What to Do
My youngest brother is now at peace. No more surgeries, no more treatments, no more pain. It’s
hard to wrap my head around it. Michael was at his home with JoAnn when Michael’s fight ceased. Michael has always been the one for in depth conversations about family, things that actually mattered to his family or mine. We left the fluff of the latest news to someone else. Our history mattered. Our feelings for each other mattered. Our concerns mattered to each other. We shared life. How thankful that he and I got to share one on one this summer several times. Priceless. When I would look into his blue eyes, my blue eyes were reflected in his. When I held his hand, the pressure from his hand warmed my heart and soul. For a time today I didn’t carry a tissue, I had a clean white dish towel in my hands. My tears were nothing but feelings. Real feelings. How grateful I am that I have them. I will always have those warm fuzzy feelings about Michael. I will heal in time. It’s the time of hurt that I actually cherish. It is my loss that I am cherishing.
What to do? I contacted everyone that I knew who would want to know of Michael’s passing. JoAnn and their daughters have plenty to contend with today. I struggled with phone conversations. It was easier to text or send an email. I didn’t apologize about my tears. They were mine to shed.
This afternoon had really become heavy time. Pacing isn’t a good thing. I decided to go down into the 
sewing studio and find something to occupy some time, some mindset. I needed to have something in front of me to concentrate on. Nothing complex. Not much that would need concentration. Just something going on in front of me. I started up the embroidery machine with a stitchery that involved nothing but electricity and the lowest speed possible. I sat and watched the stitches fill the fabric and let the stitches fill an emptiness.
The day is getting better. I have a supper to fix for Dennis and me. I have the will to make good use of this day. This day will get easier so much faster for me than Michael’s Joann, Erin, Laura and Michaela. They are immersed in putting items in place for closure. Their time for pure grief will be yet to come when there will be the emptiness that each will feel in their own right.
What to do? Enjoy the peace that Michael now has. Enjoy the impact that my little brother has made in my life. That is truly priceless.